remember when?

sitting in my little sister's graduation, i felt three distinct emotions. the most dominating one was pride, cause she's awesome and graduated. the second was ... i want to say disgust but that's too close minded of me. let's just say, the out-going school president spoke about how Jesus was leading his way and so, considering my beliefs differ in the reliabilty of Jesus' lead, i was worried for him.

look for "marissa pazulski" >>>

and, finally, i felt a rush of nostalgia. not for being in high school, cause lord knows i disliked my high school and, yes, most of the years i spent there, but i realized and missed the complete and utter freedom those kids have. i'm reaching a point in my life where i'm not sure i want to be a writer. i'm realizing that going to school means two things -- i will be tied to philly for at least two years and i'm stacking up more bills -- and i'm considering not going anymore, except then i can't teach, something i definitely want to do. i want to be a leader, but at the moment, i have little in my power to lead. i'm just wondering what to do next, and realizing that my options are much more limited than those high schoolers'.

<<< marissa with the balloons i got her

when i graduate both high school and college, i listened to the speeches of fellow students, adults, administration, parents and felt the cliches go in one ear and out another. not so much the "these are the best years of your life" phrases, because i still don't believe that. if the best years are past when you are 22, well then why do we bother? no, i listened to the adults strung words and phrases like "future is yours," "you can do whatever," "goals," "life." all those speeches were filled with what i thought they were supposed to say. and i thought them sharing that information with me was simply that -- expected encouragement.

but as i sat on the rock hard bleachers yesterday, watching the heads of those students -- some obviously excited for the future, others just wanting the stupid ceremony to be over -- i realized that all those years, the adults meant it. if i said the same words to a young adult or kid now, i would mean it. if i told marissa she could be anything she wanted, i would mean it. she has complete freedom. she might not have the resources, but she could work hard to find them or pass up on opportunities she doesn't deem worth the effort. either way, she's got the freedom to choose.

i studied for years to be a writer. i know i'm not exactly stuck. but i look back at my high school years and realize, hey, i was really good at math. better than english as a matter of fact. could i have been an engineer if my math teacher had as inspiring as my english teacher? and the answer is, quite honestly, maybe. what if mrs. ross cared about her students (she didn't so much) as adamson, my english teacher, did? what then?

what else do you think you could have been?